Sunday, March 3, 2013

How long should you wait before your relationship becomes physical?

Many women believe that if they don’t want to lose a man. they better hurry up and sleep with him. Despite the fact that they may want to connect on a deep emotional level, many women mistakenly believe that the way to connect emotionally with a man is through the physical connection first. In truth, what happens when sex comes into play too early is that the relationship runs the risk of remaining in the physical realm and consequently runs a strong risk of ending abruptly because the depth isn’t there to sustain it.

 The best way to build a relationship that has the potential to last, is to start by creating an emotional connection first. By focusing on the emotional aspects of a relationship and making sure that a strong connection exists, the couple can then enter the physical realm without fear of the relationship ending suddenly. The emotional connection facilitates healthy communication enabling the couple to create trust and belief that the relationship has a solid future.

If a couple are physically intimate before the emotional bond is created, it often causes them to forgo the emotional relationship entirely, because intimacy has been created without the use of words. Couples then often find it difficult to return to an emotional connection because things become assumed instead of discussed. It often will feel strange for the couple to revert to verbal communication when the physical has come before the emotional. In fact, couples often use sex, or physical touch to smooth out difficulties rather than use words. Physical intimacy alone has a limited lifespan. An emotional connection is vital to ensure that mutual understanding and empathy develop in a healthy and sustainable way.

 Micki Lavin-Pell,

Monday, May 2, 2011

About Micki Lavin-Pell

My name is Micki Lavin-Pell, and I am a marriage and family therapist/Dating Coach. I have been practicing for the last 9 years. Recently, I have decided to offer my services over the internet in order to enable people who either live in hard to reach areas to have accessable and affordable counselling, and in order to help people with small children to be able to attend counselling after working hours without having to hire a baby sitter.

My approach to marriage counselling/ Dating Coaching is fairly simple and straightforward. I attempt to ascertain what it is that the couple are looking for when they come to see a therapist. In other words, I create a space for the couple to share with one another in a safe space so that they may put into words what they actually want to be different in their lives. I take couples on trips down memory lane to help them remember the good times, so that they can re-establish this when things appear to be spiralling out of control. In addition, I try to get the couple to think through their own family history, i.e. what they remember about their own parents relationship while they were growing up, and how their parents worked through some of the similar difficulties that the couple may currently be experiencing. My approach to couples therapy is aimed at helping the individuals in the relationship to see what their pattern of interaction is, and to help them to understand each person's role in perpetuating the difficulties that they may be experiencing.
In working with individuals, my aim is to help them to create the relationship that they would like. My clients have shared with me that they often find this really difficult to do on their own as they often find that they don't have very good relationship models to draw from. We help to establish any relationship blockages or barriers, help clients to underrstand what they may have done in the past to sabotage their relationships, so that they can choose a different way of being. I also offer a workshop called Dating with a Difference, which I co-created with Linda Bezalely, Dating Coach. This is a really fun alternative to one-on-one coaching and is offered.

Check out Micki's website:

Getting the Kids Back to School After Break Time

Everyone has a tough time getting back into the swing of reality after the holidays. After all how much fun is it to be able to stay up late, play with friends and do no home work...The key to getting your child to feel happy about going to school after the holidays is to make every day feel like a mini holiday.

If your child is in primary school, plan one fun activity with them every day. Make sure you prime your child for the fun activity before they go back to school, so that the have something to look forward to when returning to school. This activity can range from building something, baking, playing with a favorite toy, gardening, painting, dancing to some music, you name it. Whatever you choose, make it fun for the both of you, and make sure to have all the materials ready for the first day of school. This will help you to enjoy your day more, and create a much nicer environment for the entire family. It will also help keep your child from dreading going back to school.

If your child is in high school, help them to nurture positive friendships, and think of safe/fun activities for them. Encourage and enable them togather materials they need for their activities. Even if they have an after school job, the key to enjoying life is to make some self time every day. The younger one is when they learn it, the better set up they are to having a life filled with fun and laughter.

Instilling fun in ones day everyday is the key to life long success, and a happy family. Having fun and being successfull go hand in hand.

Check out Micki's website:

Date With A Difference

When many couples go out on a date they go out with the idea that they are looking to be moved, excited, inspired, and in some way aroused by the person that they are on a date with. The notion generally is that their date is supposed to DO something for them. Some people subscribe to the belief that they should fall in love with the package before them and that if there is true chemistry it should all just work. The notion that all relationships take time and effort even from their very inception is not a very popular idea.

I would like to suggest a new approach to dating, one where the onus of the date falls on you. I would like to call this style of dating “proactive dating.”

It goes something like this:

Before the date:

a) Try and look and smell your best

b) Have an open mind about the person you are about to meet.

c) Imagine that the person you are about to meet will have several qualities that will not be readily apparent to you at the outset of the date, but that it is your mission to find out just what these qualities are.

d) If you are feeling down or low before the date, do something to pick yourself up-exercise, listen to nice music, talk to a good friend who makes you feel good.

e) Don’t run to a date immediately after doing something else. In order to invite love in you have to create the space for it. Give yourself time to feel your truest and best self before a date.

f) Think of things to talk about while on the date.

In other words the date actually starts before the date.

On the date:

a) Always be concerned about the impression you are giving over. Even if you are with the most incredibly boring person in the planet try to be interesting. Try to find out what interests them. You never know, they may have a sibling, flatmate, cousin, tennis coach, etc...who might be just right for you.

b) Be all of the qualities that you are looking for. If you want someone who is kind, warm and generous, be kind, warm and generous.

c) If you are struggling to enjoy yourself, try to think about the positive qualities in the person you are dating. Do they have a warm smile, an interesting hobbie, are they interested in hearing about you, do you share an interest in anything.

d) Let the effort of the date going well fall on you. If you both go out with this attitude, then the date should be rockin’.

e) If you have made every effort to try to think of positive qualities in your date, and can’t, try to think of friends who may enjoy being with this person. I helped get seven couples together in one year just by using this very method.

f) Focus on feeling your best self, and at ease, and not on, “what can this person do for me?

After the Date:

Reflect upon how you felt while on the date. What feelings your date bring out in you? If you had any sort of positive experience, explore what this may have been about. Don’t think too deeply about it, just go with the feelings.

These days, many people get so stuck in their head that they can’t even hear what their heart is saying. The key to really good dating is to use a good strong combination of your head and heart.

If you intend to squeeze dating around a million other things you do, you will find little space for feeling, which will defeat your ability to connect with your soul mate.

Check out Micki's Website: